New communitybettyfailedbettyfailedbettyfailedCome share your tales of ultimate personal failure and inadequacy! laugh at yourselves and everyone else!Yay!

Placebo last night was so fucking good! I literally thought i was going to be killed in the crush at a few points, but it's worth all the sweat and all the bruises. They didn't play Special K (weep) but they did play Special Needs and an awesome version of Twenty Years aswell as finishing off with Nancy Boy.Stefan is hot. I found myself watching him more than Brian, he's the perfect tall, skinny, drug-addled boy I find attractive.

So I went back to James' place on Friday night and we got back on it with a couple of his friends. (who are the golden couple. Totally in love) when they went to Medicine Bar James and I stayed in andstarted on the coke and the bong and watched weird shit on his huge projector screen that takes up the one halfwall of his bedroom. Was absolutely spangled and we were lying there, post-coital, and James says 'Fancy getting together, layla? Me and you-I think we'd work really well. We have so much in common and we canbe ourselves around each other, i think it'd be good.'Cue mild panic.I said he should ask me again when we're clean and sober so we can have a grasp on reality. I think he took this as a rejection statement, but I genuinely thought we should wait because we were just fucking wasted.I didn't mean to sound like I'm not interested, I just wanted to make sure we both knew what we were saying!Anyway, I've been there since Friday night and just got home. This weekend has really been what I've needed. James and I are on a total wavelength with one another and think we both enjoyed just wasting a whole weekend by lying in bed, popping for a pint and doing loads of drugs. I know for a fact we both appreciated having someone to hold onto. That was nice, especially during a weird hallucinatory moment.I had a few nosebleeds last night. Damn you cocaine. James spent all night blowing his nose while I bled into tissues. Glamour eh! So anyway....I've had a good weekend and do really like James but I don't think this will go anywhere. I dunno. I'm up for some fun andgood timesbut not sure what else because i am the all-time relationship failure.Now I can reflect I think I've liked James since the night at the Medicine Bar a couple of weeks ago but just didn't realise because i'm so completely unused to fancying someone and wanting them. I suppose i made a bit of a subtle beeline for him on Thursday and didn't recognise it until we were in bed.I know exactly why I'm attracted to him and I know exactlywhy he's attracted to me and it will be our downfall.Next week James is getting a huge can of nitrous. Oh joy.

I'm due on again so am anxiety-ridden and sick again. Same old bastard bullshit. Really must sort this out, I can't have this every month especially seeing as I start my nursing soon. I'm literally knocked out for a week or so with migraines and sickness and horrible panic attacks.10-12 days per month are ruined by my periods. That is not normal.

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rumandsodomy rumandsodomy
rumandsodomy rumandsodomy

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You saved me once too oftenYou never know how oftenIve pictured you in coffinsMy baby in a coffinBut I love it when you blink your eyes

after a month of no speed and no (decent amounts of) DF i've decided to fuck it and have a yummy scrummy DHC buzz out i stopped because i lost all dosage control and was violently sick and floored for 24hrs every time I took DFthis will probably happen again today but it's all about priority

i should use this journal more. i like it.

i'm worried about Milla and i miss her.

dirtyseed where are you?

every morning i wake up and have a bowl of porridge with water (108 cals) then I either watch a bit of news or read The Guardian before jumping on the cross trainer putting the music on full blast and burning 1000 cals. Then at around 10/11pm I try to burn another 500/1000. I've even given up drinking because the calories scare me. nervous, nervous.
i'm totally sick of myself. i imagine all the things i'd do if only i was thin.
this is not me being delusional
when i lost weight before i was confident and much much happier, now i just hide behind black clothes and try to stay out of the way of people.
i feel horrendous.

i know i'm missing out on so much by being so self-critical and self-obsessed.

"Ask me why and I'll dieoh ask me why and I'll dieand if you must go to work tomorrowwell if I were you I wouldn't botherfor there are brighter sides to lifeand I should know because I've seen thembut not very often"
"Pass the pub that wrecks your bodyand the church, all they want is your money the Queen is dead, boysand it's so lonely on a limb"

"No, I've never had a job, because I'm too shy."
"How come someone hasn't noticed That I'm dead And decided to bury me ? God knows, I'm ready !"

"sing me to sleepsing me to sleepi'm tired and ii want to go to bedsing me to sleepsing me to sleepand then leave me alonedon't try to wake me in the morning'cause I will be gone
don't feel bad for mei want you to know deep in the cell of my hearti will feel so glad to gosing me to sleepsing me to sleepi don't want to wake upon my own anymore"
"This German bloke barked, 'Morrissey, have you ever fancied a fuck?' Morrissey looked at him and arched an eyebrow." -Kevin Cummins
"I refuse to recognize the terms hetero-, bi-, and homo-sexual. Everybody has exactly the same sexual needs. People are just sexual, the prefix is immaterial."
"And when I'm lying in my bed, I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me"
"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now."
Q: Have you ever considered therapy?I tried it several times and found it no use whatsoever. The problems that I've had are more ingrained than mere medication or analysis can cure. It's just me, my personality. Not a curious medical imbalance. I felt I could take some magical pill and be cured but it's not the case. The thing I've been fighting is this thing here before you.

Listening to Sexy Sadie on The White Album. This song hurts.I am going to the doctors in an hour, I have a sore throat which could be tonsillitis but I think is actually a result of the meth I've been snorting for the past week or so and the nasty, impure drip it causes down my throat.I haven't taken my meds for a couple of days, so I will tell the GP that. It's been a month since I had the dosage increased and I don't think it's helping, infact the more I really think about things the more I'm inclined to believe that Prozac has a placebo effect on me. I have never been properly diagnosed and treated, just given SSRIs which I have taken hopefully. I'm no longer suicidal, and that must be the prozac mustn't it?! How do I know anymore?I'm trying really hard to help myself and keep myself going but it can be hard. I'm not going to kill myself and I'm probably not even going to cut myself but it's hard sometimes living inside a mind that I feel is working against me. I don't want to worry my friends, you're all so good to me and I want you all to know that this post isn't a sign of me getting really ill again; I'm not going to disappear again for a couple of months, you're not going to receive 4am phonecalls from me and desperate text messages. If anything, this is a sign of my exasperation and drive to keep going, to keep myself as sane as I can and to see all of you as much as I can and be the friend you all deserve. I don't want to have to apologise to you for being totally absent for weeks/months on end. It's not good enough.I love you all. And I'll get better.

I have taken a lot of meth tonight. And because I was out at a club i didn't realise how much.Now I'm home it's starting to feel like a bad ecstasy comedown. Shit.Maybe DF would bring me down smoothly

"Digressions, objections, delight in mockery, carefree mistrust are signs of health; everything unconditional belongs in pathology."~Friedrich Nietzsche

A hot cup of tea and a cigarette seems like heaven right now.

After realising I am pretty much full on addicted to DF I tried to cut down last night.
Instead of my normal routine I onlytook 2/3 DF but drank half a bottle of gin and smoked a packet of fags.
: )
I'm doing well.

My mom's out all day which has resulted in me smoking and railing DF and purging.
Oh yum.
I have my uni interview tomorrow and I just wish my mind was in a better state. i hate being like this. hope it passes soon.

Am high so am going to post pointlessness.
Not sure how much I've taken but am woozy, nauseous and itchy and can't keep a train of thought for very long. Lots of DF and painkillers.
Songs that make me cry:
Needle in the hay~Elliot Smith
Love will tear us apart~Joy Division
unfinished Symapthy~Massive Attack
The Wind Cries Mary~Jimi Hendrix
Sexy Sadie/Rocky Racoon~Beatles
Sing~Blur
Temptation~New Order
Linger~Cranberries
Where the wild roses grow~Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
I think I might have to be careful. My tolerance is high and I keep on popping, I can't be far from ODing

Painkillers and razors in abundance last night. And depressed messages to Jems.
big cut on outside of my thigh, and top inside of my arm and of course, my wrist.
I have got into an obsessive thing with cutting into my wrist until I hit a vein and I can see the blood pumping out in a fast stream.
Dangerous, i know.
I'm fine today of course. But last night it was best for me to just get rid of the past.

Smoking is my favourite appetite suppressant.
It honestly kills my hunger more than base.

Do you find hardcore bones attractive?
Or is it simply a state of self-destruction you strive to reach?
I personally don't find hardcore bones attractive, but i don't want to be attractive; i want to be empty, hollow, weak with nothing to stare at, nothing to grab hold of.

Hey all, I missed my Indians in the Movies class on Tuesday and I'd like to have the movie watched by tomorrow so that I can go to office hours and figure out what I missed in terms of discussion, as I've seen the movie but don't remember it too well.The problem is I don't think I'm the only one who missed it, as the DVDs were out from Odegaard. I checked out the VHS copy instead, but I don't have a VCR. Anyone with a VCR want to invite me over to watch Smoke Signals? If I can't find anyone I might just mosey into the room we normally watch the croquet movies in and steal the use of a VCR from the University.Edit:Watched Smoke Signals at Tracy's. ma' planet. . Thanks all..